Don't really have an accurate measure of my weight at this point, but the analog scales say about 249. Which means I'm approximately 99 pounds off the long term goal. I need to figure out a way to withstand the emotional/physical barrage of hunger. It seems like I've lost much of the motivation since initially losing 70 pounds, because the end result wasn't all that I'd hoped it would be. My goal is to be where I should be by the time promotions open up at the end of August, which gives me about two months. At a pound a day, I would still be far off the goal, even at an unbelievable rate of 30lbs/month. But something has to be done, progress has to be made. I have flirted with the weight I'm at before, years ago, but it was brief. I don't believe I have ever weighed this much. When I began working here I was at around 230; I've gained 19lbs since. That is not acceptable. I had even came in with a weight loss plan from the very start. Boy did I ever fail hard.
So I need to focus on strategy. I think that this can be broken down into several parts, one being hunger control and two being physical activity. I don't care about physical activity, so let's focus on hunger control.
Parts of hunger control:
1. Physical hunger/cravings
2. Emotional desire
3. Physical weakness
All three of these aspects must be conquered, defeated, and destroyed. I think the most difficult part in this will be focus, because it seems that when I get motivated I am focused only for the period that I'm motivated, and then I lose it quickly after the motivation period passes. The question is, do I need to maintain motivation, or do I need to be able to work without that driving motivation? Maybe a combination of the two? I think a combination will work best.
There are several aspects about weight loss which are recommended that I don't personally like. I don't like calorie watching, I don't like exercising. And I won't do either one. My focus is going to be strictly and purely on self deprivation. Not so much in a portion control way, but more in abject denial, with a focus on fasting. If I can't fast, then when I do eat I want it to be small or without effect on my weight.
What are my reasons for wanting to lose weight? I have many, from traditional to outright disturbing. I want to look good, I want to fit into my old clothes. I want my body to control temperature better, right now I am hot all the time, constantly, and I hate being hot, hate it. I hate the sun. My perfect season is Autumn. I want to always be cold, I want to have to wear cold weather clothing. I enjoy that. I have a promotion opportunity coming up, and being the workaholic I am, I have devised a multi-point plan for obtaining this promotion; along with studying hard and working hard etc, I want to look good, because honestly and let's face it, beautiful people have better opportunities in this world. Which in many ways is fair because it does take effort (usually) to look beautiful. When you think about it, every advantage a person can have is either given to them through hard work or through good fortune, and it's the same with beauty.
Here's a picture of what I look like currently:
Not pretty is it? Well I have a beard, I didn't realize how heavy my beard was until this picture. I'm not generally a beard guy but my wife likes it. That automatically means I like it and want it and must have it. From what I understand anyways.
I think what I'm waiting for right now is for the hunger pain to set in, so I can subject myself to it, and get used to it. You would think after being on this earth for 29 years and getting hungry at least three times daily (lots more when I was a baby) that I'd be used to it enough right now. But not so, mainly because we as human beings are conditioned to immediately seek sustenance once hunger sets in, so we don't experience the levels or stages of hunger that come when the hunger isn't met. So I need to experiences these stages, and learn to bear them. I have done this before, when I was about 24/25 I hit the weight loss real hard. I was about 240 then, and lost 70 pounds in about 8 months, getting down to 170. I was hot stuff too. But that's where I stalled; and I still had a pudgy stomach and stuff, so I wanted and felt that I needed to get down further. According to online methods for measuring this stuff, I am actually a small boned person. Which is impossible to tell at my current weight, I actually look like a guy you don't want to mess with. I'm 6 ft tall by the way.
So at the moment I think I'm experiencing the initial stages of hunger, which is where the stomach is telling the brain that it's empty. One thing I don't understand is why this hunger stuff gets worse, because the stomach doesn't get any more empty then before right? So why does it hurt more? As a matter of fact I would think it'd hurt less, since the stomach contracts without the steady expansion that food brings.
What I will do, over the course of the remainder of this day, is to attempt to keep the desire and focus I had when I first began writing this. Which will be difficult. You see in movies and tv shows the little angel and little devil fighting it out on peoples' shoulders. I think this is EXACTLY like that, exactly the devil is probably the size of a regular person, and the angel is still tiny, and is drowned out. Because generally when I get hungry, I have all sorts of thoughts about how it won't hurt anything if I eat just a little of this, or a little of that. Many times this leads me to go downstairs and raid the cabinets, where all kinds of snacks are. I take a little of this and little of that, then I take a little of this again and a little of that again. Which seems okay, but I keep eating until I'm totally full, and it doesn't seem like I've done anything harmful because all I did was snack a little. Right? But it all adds up, and I think if I put all the little snacks I ate in one session on a plate, that plate would be pretty full.
So I have to be prepared for the onslaught, my own body and mind lining up against me, whispering little thoughts and pushing little temptations that certainly seem harmless. And I think that's the key, the only way for me to give in to my mind and body is to be convinced that it's harmless. I'm realizing that my components are very sneaky. It seems like myself, as an individual, is made up of many distinct consciousnesses. This becomes very pronounced when I am trying to deny myself, because those consciousnesses begin to war with each other, and at the moment the part of me that wants to get in shape is overmatched and overwhelmed. The worst part is that they have the ultimate weapon, knowledge, because they know what the good side of me wants, they know the methods and messages that the good side is using to motivate me and keep me going in the correct direction. So they take those inner thoughts, and tailor their message around them.
I have realized that if I can focus on just one aspect, one way to lose weight, and stick with it, that I will succeed. I think people fail because they constantly bounce from one thing to next, before they have even properly executed what they were already trying. So my aspect will be fasting. I know that the health Nazis are against it, but I'm against losing one pound a week so screw the health Nazis.
I plan on posting one photo per day, let's see how I progress, or regress, as the case may be. Stay tuned vikings.
No comments:
Post a Comment